Welcome to this free NLP Ezine
Hi everybody, and welcome to "NLP: The Secret Science of Self-
Empowerment." This Ezine is designed to bring to you techniques,
theories and exercises from the fascinating field of Neurolinguistic
Programming.
About This Issue
In the last issue I introduced the NLP concept of Pacing and Leading as a way to improve communication with the people
in your life. In this issue I want to take a closer look at the aspect of pacing and leading that has to do with
body language.
Most people don't realize the importance body language plays in our daily communications. You and the person you are speaking to could be agreeing 100 percent on the content of what is being said and still mistrust each other and argue. Why? Because you are not matching each other's body language.
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This Issues Article: How to Build Rapport Through Matching Body Language
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As human beings we use our body to communicate with each other. Mostly this form of communication is done unconsciously, however, the transfer of information through body language takes place nonetheless. When two people are talking or interacting, their bodies tell each other what kind of relationship they have.
The general rule is that the spoken word carries about 15 percent of the total information being exchanged, while body language carries the remaining 85 percent. So our body language outweighs our words in importance by a large margin. A further rule is: Words carry information, body language carries relationship. If you want to know what kind of relationship two people have, watch their body language, rather than listen to their words.
Matching someone's body language can hugely improve your rapport with that person. To study how this works in action, watch two people who like each other interact. They will be using the same kind of gestures, assume the same kind of postures, talk at a similar speed and volume, and so on. It is almost like they are dancing a kind of dance with each other. And, of course, you can easily observe mismatching body language by watching two people interact who don't like each other.
The main areas in which you can match someone's body language are:
1. Matching body language is a tool that should be used to improve communication between two people. If it is used with an agenda to get people to act against their own best interest, the technique loses its efficiency. People can sense when they are being approached with an unwholesome motive. I mention this, because unfortunately many people perceive NLP techniques as tools to manipulate people.
2. Match approximately only and with some delay time. If you mimic every single shift in someone's body language, you will ruin any rapport you had immediately. People don't like to be mimicked. It makes them think they are being made fun of.
3. When you want to calm a yelling, aggressive person, you might have to first raise your voice to build rapport with them, before you can calm them down. The trick is to keep the intensity and volume of your voice slightly below that of the angry person. Matching their voice at the same or a higher level of intensity can make things worse. Also, approaching an angry person with a quiet calm voice can very well be taken as patronizing and intensify the aggression.
4. When you are in a group meeting you can identify who is the leader of the group by watching people's body language. When the leader shifts his or her posture, those following the leader will adjust their posture after a short delay. It is like ripples going through the whole group. This can also show you who is not following the leader. Their mismatching body language will give them away.
5. If you want to match others without being too obvious, you can try crossover matching. When using this technique, you match in an indirect way. For example, when the other person folds their legs, you fold your arms. When they interlock their hands behind their back, you interlock them in front of your torso. When they tap their fingers on a table, you tap your pencil against your palm in the same rhythm. The options for crossover matching are limitless. The results can be as good as with direct matching.
6. Speaking in rhythm to people's breathing rate is somewhat of an advanced way to build rapport, however, it is highly effective. You can observe people's breathing rate by watching their chest rise and fall. This technique will need some practice.
When to match body language?
Matching body language is something you would consciously do when you are dealing with someone for the first time or someone you don't get along with. In both situations there is a possibility for misunderstandings and tension. In such scenarios you can facilitate the conversation by matching body language. On the other hand, when you are spending time with your best friend, you will usually not have to worry about body language, because you will naturally match each other.
References:
Silent Messages, Mehrabian, A., 1971.
Practical NLP for Managers, McDermott, I. and O'Connor, J.,1996.
All the best,
Christoph Schertler
NLP Trainer/Coach - Founder PEC, LLC
Christoph Schertler has published an ebook on how to use NLP to build confidence. The NLP Confidence Builder
contains over 100 pages of powerful NLP techniques and concepts that can help you overcome limiting beliefs and bring forth the life-transforming power of confidence from deep within you.
Christoph Schertler was recently published in "101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life, Vol. 2" alongside John Gray, Jack Canfield, Richard Carlson, Bob Proctor, Alan Cohen and many other leading Self Improvement experts.
Get your copy today:
About the Author
Christoph Schertler is a certified NLP Trainer and NLP Coach with a passion for helping others to empower themselves and bring forth their power and genius from within. He has trained with some of the biggest names in the field and is a firm believer in the transformational powers of NLP.
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